Dinner conversation at Hergott house

15 Mar

I cannot even begin to explain the strangeness and obscurity that I am surrounded by living back home, in my childhood home, with my family, who are sometimes smelly (brothers- two), or just wearing their underwear because they own the house and have a right (pirate father), or always want me to rub their feet and take them on walks (mother). Or who bake weird vegan meatless dishes and force me to practice yoga with them (hippie sister).

 

I am not making any of this up. On a daily basis, I am bugged and bombarded with weird requests but sometimes- once in a blue moon– I am asked really wonderful things. For example, just last week, the pirate asked me if I wanted an hour-long massage because he had an extra one and didn’t mind giving it up. Immediately, I shrieked “yes, of course!” And began to fantasize that I was asked because I am lucky and should probably go play the lottery….. but then, after the massage we had lunch together.

And pirate tried to offer advice on dating (never a good idea), saying “You should probably date more than one guy at a time, because that seems to make sense… I mean, I don’t understand why you are only with one guy! Back in my day-”

“Dad, that is called a slut. Or a whore. Or cheating. How is that a good idea? And I don’t know if I really want to hear what you did back in your day,” I snapped back.

Then we finished our meal and that was that.

 

ANYWAYS, BACK TO DINNER CONVERSATION. (Clearly, I can stay on topic and never get sidetracked… nope, not me)

 

Here it goes:

Pirate: Father, Al: Brother 1, Lou: Brother 2, Mother: Mother, L: Me/confused offspring

Pirate: So Al, I think your butt is getting big. You got that Hergott butt. Did you work out today?

Mother: Oh, leave him alone!

Al: Ya, I did work out.

Pirate: Well, listen- I have a plan.

L: Great, a plan. Never a good idea.

Pirate: ::glares at me:: ANYWAYS, here is the plan: For the next two months, I am going to make a bet with you. Whoever loses more weight, gets $300. So if you lose more (talking to Al) then you get the money. If I lose more, then you work for me, $300 worth of work.

L: ::jaw drops open, speechless::

Mother: Ohh, I think that is a grand idea!

Lou: I want to do it!

L: WHAAAAAT? If he loses weight, he gets PAYED?? You do realize that is totally unfair considering he does not work and has no job or motivation to get one and earn money the normal, correct way. What the hell, may I try to compete for this said $300?

Mother: Oh, L, you are so thin! You can’t lose anymore weight!

Pirate: Yay, but if you gain 30 lbs. you can win!

L: How the hell am I suppose to gain 30 lbs. in two months?

::Long pause, everyone is thinking and chewing the frozen lasagna that actualy tastes quite decent::

Lou: Just get pregnant. You will gain weight really fast then.

Mother: Ohh, I love my family. I love coming home to them. L, want some more lasagna???

__________________________________

 

Just another night in the Hergott household. And apparently, I should get pregnant immediately.

-L

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3 Responses to “Dinner conversation at Hergott house”

  1. meg March 15, 2011 at 7:41 pm #

    I love it! You are hilarious! I am sitting in the parking lot at my kid’s school laughing alone in my car! Keep it up!

  2. Sarah g March 16, 2011 at 11:46 pm #

    Love the dinner conversation! It was like I was there. Why and when did your dad become “the pirate”?

  3. pamela March 26, 2011 at 9:06 pm #

    hahahahahahaha!!!!!!! “just get pregnant” hahahah, awesome….

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