I need a makeover stat

1 Apr

FIRST, a quiz:

Out of these statements, find the one false statement:

A. Today I was asked to be a model for a photography session involving skirts, high heels, and fruit. But no nudity- phew. I was really worried.
B. Today I had to deal with a stalker and it has totally freaked me out and I wish I had a dog.
C. Today my brother was laughing hysterically and when I asked why all he said was “In 10 years, I will open a door.” I didn’t laugh.
D. Today I surfed t.v. while laying in my parents bed (because it is a queen and very comfy, but they keep bars of soap in between the sheets- wtf?) and flipped between Bounty Hunter and Sweet Home Alabama and LOTR: all 3 made me emotional and cry.

Are you guessing?

Ill give you a hint….

They are all TRUE.
My life is too dramatic.
I’m turning into a horrible lifetime movie, I can already see the credits rolling.

Okay, I’ll blog about the makeover issue now:

I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and yowzersssss- I need a makeover.
Stat.

But  I don’t feel very good at the moment.
I have a huge amount of lack of sleep in me.

Why? Why are you not sleeping? You may ask yourself.

Oh, just because I have a stalker. I won’t go into details but I’m completely freaked out at the moment. I quite possibly may purchase a dog in the near future. Or some sort of taser.

I also have been running to the bathroom and feel pukish.
I think I might be coming down with something…

So, let’s change subjects.

REASONS I NEED A MAKEOVER:

1. My Nails:

Yikes, these are not very pretty people

I’ve never had anyone come up to me, grab my hands and say “Oh, you have such pretty nails! I love how manicured and dainty your hands look!”

Nope. Not me. I have very long, skinny fingers.

Good piano playing fingers, perhaps?

2. My current boyfriend

Oh, did you meet my current boyfriend?
He lives in my bed.
And sleeps with me.
Cuddles right up and spends the whole night tucked underneath my arm.

His name is BABO. He came with name and I have no idea what it means.

Actually, he spends the whole night suffocating underneath my arm. It probably is not very comfortable for him. I also sometimes wake up with him underneath my head and realize I have drooled on his plush, grayish head.

Tsk tsk– this is a major reason I need a makeover.

Alas, this is my bed companion.

3. My ballerina ability

Okay, Momma and I went shopping and she bought me some really snazzy new shoes.
We were in the shoe department and she said “Pick whatever you want! I’m having fun!”
Naturally…. I choose…. KEDS.
(Is this too old lady of me? They get an A+++ for comfort though, come on people!)

They look like this:

Why am I so GIGANTIC AND LONG looking???

Anyways, I then decided that this picture did not do my shoes enough justice and I needed to take a picture of them with a mirror.
That idea, turned into the picture below which is me trying to look very dainty and ballerina like, showing off the shoes:

My feet aren't even straight. My hand is a creeper. WHAT IS GOING ON ?!!?

J would say that I look somewhat busted in this picture. And she is right. I am a little busted.

But when you are up all night with a stalker, that is what happens.

So I need a makeover so I can carry myself with style and proper-ness and give off an attitude that says This woman is all about business and wit even if she does sleep with an ugly doll.

Tomorrow, I’m going to start sitting really really straight all the time, walk tall like a dancer, and try to move like jello on springs- you know ladies, make your hips sway smoothly so that all eyes are memorized (but not in a creepy, sensual way. ew.)

4. Blistered and Battered Feet

Do you like feet? If you don’t like feet then shield your eyes.

My feet need a makeover. From running, they are totally blistered up.
Water and blood.
Tough everywhere- I could probably walk through glass and only notice a little (actually… I’d probably notice A FREAKIN’ LOT).
The heels are cracked and begging for moisturizer 24/7.

They look nice here but just wait...

Ewwwwwww

Water blister. Blood blister on baby toe. My heart blisters looking at this.

I need a foot rub.
Stat.
If only my boyfriend could rub my feet, but unfortunately, he would probably get soggy and I’d have to dump him.

5. Because I am not attractive in clay formation.

Let me explain.

My parents have art and decorations everywhere in the house. One day, I’ll post it all but for now, I’ll just give you a taste.

This is one piece of art, the Hergott kids, hot glued to a plastic picture frame, all created with oven-bake clay:

 

Aren’t we just an adorable, pasty white bunch?

 

Let me give you a better look at me and why I desperately need a makeover.

 

I am ready for the.... bath tub? Pool? Work out? Where are my eyes?

So much…. to question. But the bottom line is that I am not very attractive looking.
Actually, I am really quite frumpy.
I look at this and think- Yes, this person is going to grow up to be a spinster librarian. And have cats. And calfankles.

6. Because if the shakers can, anyone can do it!

Look. These two are stillllll at it in the wittle sippy cup, in the cupboard:

 

Too much scandal in the kitchen

Girl shaker clearly has got something that other shakers don’t have and has got Boy shaker’s heart in her hands.

 

Psssst- I have no idea what this has to do with a makeover but 6 is my favorite number, so I couldn’t end it at 5.

 

I’ll leave you all with that thought and image in your brain.

Let’s hope I sleep tight and don’t kill my boyfriend with my massive upper arm.

 

-L

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One Response to “I need a makeover stat”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Short List: How To Stay Happy | imakeeper - April 6, 2011

    [...] did you know this was my current boyfriend? Please refer to this makeover rant- item #2 explains [...]

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