Tag Archives: conversation

Another Pirate Story

16 Mar

When L mentioned making a blog for the three of us, I didn’t think she was serious. I mean, blogs are a dime a dozen now and I don’t always see the point in them. Then I read L’s first post and I soon realized what this blog could offer: stories about Pirate, L’s father. Pirate is probably one of the nicest, most caring fathers I have ever met – and he’s also probably the most hilarious.

Before meeting him, I had always heard Pirate stories from L and didn’t think such a person could actually exist. Turns out, they can. The first time I met Pirate, he was not at all what I expected. When you only hear a person referred to as a pirate, it’s hard to imagine a swashbuckling, eye patched fellow. Pirate looks like your ordinary hockey loving father of four, but once you get to know him, you quickly realize he’s unlike any other person you’ve met. For example, L is completely out of the loop on pop music – and to be fair, I am as well. But as soon as we got in to Pirate’s car, he started speak-singing “Don’t Trust Me” by 3OH!3. Now, I will admit I had to look up what song that was because I didn’t know – but just imagine a 40 something year old father saying in a monotone voice “hush girl, shut – your – lips.” A and I about died laughing, and L just rolled her eyes.

The reason we were in the car is that we were about to go water tubing on a lake in Michigan. I had never been water tubing before and was excited, but also a little nervous because I don’t really know how to swim. I let L and her brothers go first, and then decided to go on the tube with L. Apparently no one gave the memo to Pirate that I have a fear of water, because as soon as he took off our tube hit a HUGE wake and my little 4’10” body flew off the tube, SPIRALED in the air and landed smack on the water. Most fathers might be worried that they had just killed their daughter’s friend, but not Pirate. Sure that I was fine, he could only exclaim how impressed he was with how high he had made me fly off the water tube! That was all I heard about the rest of the time I was visiting.

Cut to graduation, almost a year later. L and I decide our families should have a joint post-graduation dinner. We’re outside a nice, fancy restaurant and the first thing Pirate says to my mother is this:

Pirate: “Hello, I’m D – I almost drowned your daughter last year!”

My mother: “Oh ….”

Pirate: “Her little body just FLEW off that tube!”

My mother: “Ohh … my! You know she doesn’t know how to swim.”

Pirate: “I think she said that, but she’s tough. Tiny and resilient. Let’s get a beer!”

My mother: “I don’t drink.”

Don’t worry, by the end of the dinner they were almost as good of friends as L, A and I and now every time I talk to anyone in my family they all ask about Pirate.

Should you ever get the chance, always let Pirate take you out water tubing, it’s a lot of fun and you get a lot of funny/embarrassing pictures like this one:

We're both trying to hold on, but about to fail miserably and fly in to the air

But, you also get really nice ones like this:

That’s enough Pirate talk for one day, next time I’ll try and think of a more creative post 🙂

-J

Advertisements

Dinner conversation at Hergott house

15 Mar

I cannot even begin to explain the strangeness and obscurity that I am surrounded by living back home, in my childhood home, with my family, who are sometimes smelly (brothers- two), or just wearing their underwear because they own the house and have a right (pirate father), or always want me to rub their feet and take them on walks (mother). Or who bake weird vegan meatless dishes and force me to practice yoga with them (hippie sister).

 

I am not making any of this up. On a daily basis, I am bugged and bombarded with weird requests but sometimes- once in a blue moon– I am asked really wonderful things. For example, just last week, the pirate asked me if I wanted an hour-long massage because he had an extra one and didn’t mind giving it up. Immediately, I shrieked “yes, of course!” And began to fantasize that I was asked because I am lucky and should probably go play the lottery….. but then, after the massage we had lunch together.

And pirate tried to offer advice on dating (never a good idea), saying “You should probably date more than one guy at a time, because that seems to make sense… I mean, I don’t understand why you are only with one guy! Back in my day-”

“Dad, that is called a slut. Or a whore. Or cheating. How is that a good idea? And I don’t know if I really want to hear what you did back in your day,” I snapped back.

Then we finished our meal and that was that.

 

ANYWAYS, BACK TO DINNER CONVERSATION. (Clearly, I can stay on topic and never get sidetracked… nope, not me)

 

Here it goes:

Pirate: Father, Al: Brother 1, Lou: Brother 2, Mother: Mother, L: Me/confused offspring

Pirate: So Al, I think your butt is getting big. You got that Hergott butt. Did you work out today?

Mother: Oh, leave him alone!

Al: Ya, I did work out.

Pirate: Well, listen- I have a plan.

L: Great, a plan. Never a good idea.

Pirate: ::glares at me:: ANYWAYS, here is the plan: For the next two months, I am going to make a bet with you. Whoever loses more weight, gets $300. So if you lose more (talking to Al) then you get the money. If I lose more, then you work for me, $300 worth of work.

L: ::jaw drops open, speechless::

Mother: Ohh, I think that is a grand idea!

Lou: I want to do it!

L: WHAAAAAT? If he loses weight, he gets PAYED?? You do realize that is totally unfair considering he does not work and has no job or motivation to get one and earn money the normal, correct way. What the hell, may I try to compete for this said $300?

Mother: Oh, L, you are so thin! You can’t lose anymore weight!

Pirate: Yay, but if you gain 30 lbs. you can win!

L: How the hell am I suppose to gain 30 lbs. in two months?

::Long pause, everyone is thinking and chewing the frozen lasagna that actualy tastes quite decent::

Lou: Just get pregnant. You will gain weight really fast then.

Mother: Ohh, I love my family. I love coming home to them. L, want some more lasagna???

__________________________________

 

Just another night in the Hergott household. And apparently, I should get pregnant immediately.

-L